I've entered a competition in a London newspaper (Metro), to win a Sony handcam - with the following videoclip:

An interpretation of this Mandala of the Mansions of the Moon is given in the following document.

Following a chance meeting with a mysterious de-frocked priest a forgotten manuscript has come into my possession. It purports to be a reject from the now de-funked Buffy the Vampire Slayer series six. Because of the importance of this find the original manuscript is not available for scrutiny. I'll let you, the public, decide on its authenticity.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER MEETS ALEISTER CROWLEY

SCREENPLAY

(The scene opens with Buffy on patrol; she looks bored witless as she enters a dark and dank alley.)

BUFFY: C’mon guys don’t do this to me can’t one of you show a slayer a good time?

(She lifts the lid of a garbage can)

BUFFY: Anything with slime for blood in here with an evil plan to destroy the world….how about just Sunnydale; it ain’t that hard?

This is so double math.

(A sudden flash of light and puff of orange smoke appears behind Buffy who swings round ready to give a karate chop – out pops Willow.)

WILLOW: Hey – No, no no! It’s me, It’s me Buff!

BUFFY: Hey – Can’t you announce before you teleport; it’s kinda too sudden?

WILLOW: Sorry Buffy but Giles sent me it’s an emergency he’s worried the world might end tonight!

BUFFY: Well Giles always has to have something to worry about. What is it this time?

WILLOW: He’s gotten something real bad from the Hellmouth.

BUFFY: Oh God! Not halitosis again?

WILLOW: He’s serious Buff; don’t be mad at me (looks worried), It’s Warren.

BUFFY (sighs): Everyone’s favourite uber-nerd! What have those losers gone and done now?

WILLOW: He’s stolen the Baubles of Baphomet!

BUFFY: Can’t Baphomet claim them on insurance?

WILLOW: Giles says they can be used to raise the dead.

(Three figures descend from the sky with jet-packs on their backs it’s our favourite uber-nerds)

WARREN: Hey Slayer! Am I going to kick your ass tonight.

BUFFY: Hey Warren – Y’know most guys try a little flirting first off perhaps a few sweet nothings in my ear or suggestion of a dinner date or a visit to the movies – there’s probably a reason why you never kept a girlfriend.

JOHNATHAN: Oh no, Warren that’s sarcasm I just know she’s gonna get real pissed at us.

WARREN: That’s a lie Slayer! Girls just don’t appreciate my superior mind.

BUFFY: Hey Warren don’t confuse the size of your ego with a superior mind.

WARREN: No matter your words will be empty where you’re going, no doubt your ginger witch-friend has told you I can raise the dead and have I got something special for you.

BUFFY: Let me guess… Bela Lugosi?

WARREN: None other than the Great Beast himself!

BUFFY: Darren Walters from third grade?

WARREN: Aleister Crowley himself! – Prepare to be dragged to Hell, slayer.

(Warren holds up two crystal baubles emitting an eerie violet glow, one in each hand.)

WARREN: ZAZAS ZAZAS SATANANDAS ZAZAS! Arise Therion!

(The ground shakes a bit and some bricks and dust fall from nearby buildings. Suddenly the ground splits open and out of the abyss rises Sir Aleister Crowley in burgundy knickerbockers and matching jacket with cummerbund & a vast bowtie. Apart from a tuft on his forehead he is clean shaven)

ALEISTER: Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law!

BUFFY: Hey don’t let me catch you saying that within earshot of Dawny. It’s bad enough getting her to go to bed as it is.

WARREN: Destroy her Therion, I command you and drag her soul to hell!

ALEISTER: Young man! I think you must have been very badly brought up!

BUFFY: Y’know I was just thinking that too.

WARREN: But you are constrained by Baphomet’s Baubles to do my will!

ALEISTER: Do you know anything whatsoever?

WARREN: What d’ya mean?

ALEISTER: That every man AND every woman is a star! This child of Babalon (gestures vaguely in Buffy’s direction), is carrying out her True Will.

WARREN: What about My will!

ALEISTER: You, young man have singularly failed to discover it. As such I am not obliged to carry out your whims. What is more you also conjured me without paying the necessary call-out charge.

WARREN: No-one said anything about a call out charge. This is dumb!

ALEISTER: It’s a straight fifty-fifty split between the Annunaki and the spirit of the dear departed and as I find myself a little embarrassed for funds of late I must insist that you pay or the three-headed guardian of the gates to the underworld will be unleashed on this rather dreary suburb.

WARREN: Now that’s more like it!

(Willow rushes forward)

WILLOW: Oh, I’m sure we can make some financial recompense so as to avoid any inconvenience, Sir Aleister.

ALEISTER: Most gracious of you to offer, my scarlet-haired Sapphic, and I most certainly accept. Perhaps you have a good bottle of Courvoisier to seal our agreement?

WILLOW: Back at the Magic Box, I’m sure!

ALEISTER: Then it is my Will to do your bidding entirely. (Aside) I only hope it includes a fine debauch!

WARREN: Hey! That’s, like, so unfair! I’m the one with the Baubles.

ALEISTER: Then I suggest you try reading the label on them BEFORE you use them in future. Love is the Law.

(Sir Aleister and his new chums walk away in the direction of the Magic Box).

THE END

Well...only on ebay I'm afraid. I've got a couple of items going if anyone is interested?

A reprint of 'The Banned Lecture' by Aleister Crowley was due to be delivered to the Oxford University Poetry Society in 1930 however the powers that be stepped in and prevented it happening. Not to be outdone AC printed it anyway and sold it to the students. This booklet is a re-print of that lecture. The subject matter is Gilles de Rais but really its AC attacking the church with his usual rapier like wit. A good read!

The Banned Lecture

The second item is a box-set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer season six DVD collection. 'nuff said?

Buffy season six DVD box set

MOVIE MAYBES – 2

Chicken Run

In this low-budget remake of the Aardman Animations hit, a group of British army service men compete with each other for iPods, XBox games and 3G mobile phones in a hilarious race across the Middle East.

The Buzz – Government ministers insisted on shares in the merchandise before backing the project. The Prime Minister said “It seemed like the only moral thing to do at the time.”

Pirates of the Caribbean

A tale of the little man taking on the big corporation when local ice cream vendor Jaconnelli (Nicholas Cage), has his pitch bought from under him by the Pirate Corporation. The action takes place in front of the Caribbean Sun Lounge on the sea front at Scarborough. The final CGI fuelled battle has been called a nightmare in candy floss.

The Buzz - Local movie company, Pitch n’ Putt Productions, have filed a $2 billion law-suit against Disney for theft of intellectual property rights. The jury is still out on this one.

Come back next week for more MOVIE MAYBES!

Nothing is True Everything is Permitted.

MOVIE MAYBES! - 1

Village of the Damned

Six dead TV wannabes drift around an enclosed village talking inanely about themselves for several weeks. From time to time they have to perform degrading and humiliating acts to provide some kind of emotional stimulus for the vacuous and empty minded viewers who tune into this ‘running on empty’ reality TV formula.

The Buzz The surprise inclusion of Anna Nicole Smith almost led the US Actor’s Union, to call for industrial action. Rumours that the other members of the cast were anxious that she might ‘corpse’ them were strenuously denied.

Liar Liar

This ‘rom com’ features Tony Bliar as a shyster New York lawyer who is cursed to tell the truth by his meddlesome son who has no idea how to get ahead in this world. The laughs come by the truckload as he has to defend a senator accused of perjury when the case is based on a tissue of lies. The final acquittal scene saves the day as the jury decide that they are not that bothered anyway.

The Buzz Heart throb Tony Bliar confessed that he got lost on the shoot in Los Angeles for several days running until someone pointed out that he was using a map of Basra to find his way about the city.

Tune in next week for more MOVIE MAYBES!

Nothing is True – Everything is Permitted